When He doesn’t.

A sweet friend of mine sent me a book on Friday. The book is titled, “I Will Carry You.” It’s a book about a woman who lost her baby just two hours after she was born. She was told by doctors that her daughter wouldn’t live more than minutes after she was born.

It’s a book about loss, grief, and Jesus.

Since I received it, I’ve barely been able to put it down.

There’s a chapter called “Alabaster.” It is about Mary, the sister of Lazarus. It describes the scene that most of us are familiar with. It’s about the woman, Mary, washing Jesus’ feet with the expensive perfume and with her hair. Judas was upset about it asking why she hadn’t sold the perfume to feed the poor.

Jesus tells Judas to leave her alone and that she was preparing his body for burial. The author of this book, Angie Smith, talks about how Mary didn’t actually know that she was preparing his body for burial. She was just doing what the Holy Spirit moved her to do.

An excerpt from her book reads,

“Everyone of us is given alabaster jars in our lives. Moments that have been chosen from before there was time, where we will follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit and glorify our father with our offering.

…. And regardless of whether or not your Lazarus walks out of the tomb, I pray
that you continue to worship the Lord, keeping what He has given you until the the moment you are called to give it away. And as the glass shatters all around you and you grow dizzy from the intoxicating smell of our love, get as close to His feet as you can. And know this.

It was always meant to fall from your hands. And He is glorified in the shattering.”

Just wow.

When I read this last night, I just bawled.

It’s not that I haven’t read that story a hundred times over.
It’s that, Mary didn’t know the true value of what she was doing.
She just did what she was called to do.
However, God knew.

And God knew that I would carry a baby that was SO wanted and SO loved and that my baby would die.
He knew I would be crushed.

Before we went in for the final sonogram that we requested, I told Trey that God could perform a miracle. That we could walk in and our baby could be fine.

And…our baby wasn’t fine.

I think it’s at THAT point that a lot of us (myself included) just want to throw in the towel.

We want to say…

“Well, I believed that you would, and that you could, and you didn’t. Where are you?! How can you not intervene? Why wouldn’t you want to intervene?”

I have to admit, it’s been very easy for me to believe in God.
It has been very easy to have rock solid faith.

In fact, I have often wondered if faith was just my gift. Because it really isn’t something that I have worked at. I’ve really not struggled with it. I think the reason for it, is not because I am somehow “gifted” with faith.

I think it is because God has always healed.
Always.

If you know me personally, you know my mom was very sick for most of my adolescent and teen years. She almost died.

But, He healed her.
And He healed her in the fourth quarter with seconds left.
But He healed her.

Then, my dad was all but diagnosed with colon cancer, and we joined hands, prayed and believed he would be healed.
And he was.

It’s easy to believe in God when he always heals.
It’s easy to believe in God when he answers prayers in the way that you want him to.

But what about when He doesn’t?

Walking in, I knew He could, I just didn’t know that He would.
And He didn’t.

That’s a pretty hard pill to swallow.

I think in this season, God is asking me if I will continue to follow, worship, and serve Him when He doesn’t answer my prayers the way that I think He should.

When He doesn’t give me more time with my grandma.
When she dies.
When He doesn’t save my baby.
When he dies.

Will I still be quick to worship with tears streaming down my face because of the GOOD that He is?

…even when life isn’t good.
When I want to rip the pen and paper from His hand and write my story in a way that feels the best to me and for me.

Sometimes, God doesn’t heal.
Sometimes, we are allowed by Him to walk through indescribable pain.
And the question remains, will we continue to follow Him because of who HE is, not because of what he DOES for us.

Will I worship Him for the simple truth that He is the creator of the universe?
Will I worship Him because He is infinitely good?
Will I worship Him because He formed me in my mother’s womb?
Will I worship Him because He gave his child’s life for mine?

God knew each and every trial I would walk through.
The Bible says that He goes before us.
He’s not surprised by anything.

I think it’s really about how we handle those circumstances. Will I throw myself on the floor like my two year-old when he doesn’t do what I want Him to? Or, will I cry those tears and still believe that He is good, regardless of the not good I am facing.

I’m sure that is a question I will face over and over again in my lifetime.
Sometimes, I’ll likely throw the fit. I may still demand the pen and the blueprints for my life and beg him to let me write.

For now though,

I’m going to still believe in miracles.
I’m going to still believe God performs them everyday.
And I will still believe in God when he doesn’t.