Happy Birthday in Heaven, sweet Knox.

It’s been a long time since I wrote. Too long.

The last blog I wrote was about losing you.

It’s been six months since we heard that you were gone.

Six whole months.

And yet, there’s not been a day my mind hasn’t drifted to you.

You’re going to have a baby brother, of course I am sure you knew that before we did.

And I also know that we wouldn’t know him if we hadn’t lost you.

What a weird place to be.

To long for the baby we loved and lost and yet, be so thankful for the one we have.

The hardest thing for us was grieving the life we had dreamed for you.

Our hearts were preparing to hold you.

We were anticipating your first breath, your first laugh, words, steps, birthday, and just as soon as we dreamed it, you were gone.

I’m certain there’s no pain like the one of losing a child.

I still feel like I failed you. All this time. All this work I’ve done. All the prayers and the time alone with the Lord. And a part of me, feels like I failed you. Know that if my love could have kept you alive, you would have never left us. I’m sorry.

I know that God has a plan and that everything works for His ultimate good.

Oh, but sometimes I wish that things could just be different.

Today is your due date.

I thought, it would be okay. But, my heart is still shattered.

I’ve been thinking about how today should be different.

We should be anticipating with JOY your arrival.

We should be preparing your room and talking to your brother and sister about holding you and loving you.

Instead, there’s just emptiness.

I noticed that today was actually Chloe’s due date too. There’s something special about that. You shared the same due date, and who knows? Maybe you would have shared the same birthday.

Although, the Lord knows we couldn’t have survived with two Chloes. Bless.

I think about what you’re doing right now…

Who’s holding you? I think it’s probably Grandma Jewell.

Oh, I miss her too. So much. Every day.

But she’s there, and she’s loving you. And there is just nothing more comforting than that.

Oh Knox, I hope somehow you’re hearing all of this.

I hope you see the tears and the broken hearts and know that you were are are SO LOVED.

We haven’t forgotten you.

It’s absolutely impossible.

Your name, it’s spoken often. It always will be. You’ll always be a part of our hearts, our family, and our lives. We will never forget the joy that was expecting you and we will never forget the short and sweet time that we had with you.

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Knox.

I hope they have fireworks, cake, and lots of snuggles with Grandma Jewell.

We can’t wait to hold you one day. Heaven is sweeter because you are there.

We love you. We will love you forever.