Author: Courtney

Mom to Landry + Chloe + Bentley the Golden. Wife of Trey. Jesus Follower. Crossfit & Running. Counseling Student.

DEPRESSION is an ugly word…

What do all of these pictures have in common?

•• D E P R E S S I O N ••

After my first pregnancy. I had depression.

During the end of my last pregnancy and after my last pregnancy, I had depression.

For those of you who don’t know, depression is NOT general sadness. It is not grief. It is not something you can change by the amount of faith you have or something you can “will” yourself out of by optimism.

If it was, I would be the poster child for that particular remedy.

Believe me, no one has more grit and determination than this girl.

It’s is different for everyone.
But for me, the first time, it was crying all of the time.

It was knowing that I should be so happy but all I could do was feel sad and then when I couldn’t feel that anymore, it was emptiness.

Then, during my last pregnancy, it was dark. It was being so overwhelmed at the thought of answering a phone call, getting out of bed, getting dressed, going to work, taking care of my child.

The thought of the next day was almost too much.

After Chloe was born, it was better but still so much emptiness.

It was dark.
It was lonely.
It was overwhelming.
It was guilt at the type of mom I wasn’t being to Landry.

Guilt over not being so happy when all I wanted was a baby.

Then guilt at not being so overjoyed at having the baby girl I always wanted.

It was guilt over not being the wife Trey deserved.

And I did feel happiness. I did feel joy, at times.
I was so thankful for my babies.
I never wanted to harm them or anyone else.
I just wanted to feel like myself again.

Luckily, after Landry, I knew depression.

I knew medication helped me tremendously the first time.

After Chloe, I accepted that this was something I had to fight.

I knew what to do.
I went back to my doctor and I got on medication.

Did I ever want to be on medication?
Nope.
Was it something I resisted and tried to explain away?
Yep.

Could I will myself out of it?
Nope.

Was my life good?
Yep.
Everything I ever dreamed?
Yep.

Did that change it?
Nope.

That last picture, the Golden Gate Bridge, 1600 people have jumped off that bridge to their death.

Because they wanted to escape the pain they felt day in and out.
An overwhelming and inescapable hole.

I was lucky.
I have an amazing support system.
I figured it out early on and know that it’s something I will likely always face.
I found something that works for me. Medication.

It’s an ugly word.
Well…for mental illness it is.
For cancer? Not so much.
Of course you would take medication for cancer, but if you take it for depression, you’re weak.

Nope. I’m strong.
I’m strong because I choose to look my illness head on and say, I see you and I’m fighting you.

I know everyone has their “theories” on antidepressants and therapy.

And guess what?
You’re wrong.
Until you’ve struggled with it, you don’t get a vote.

Anything other than your personal experience isn’t helpful to anyone that does have a mental illness.

It’s harmful.
It stigmatizes.
It makes getting help more difficult.
It makes you look ignorant.

It causes jumping off a bridge seem like an easier option than getting actual help.

When jumping off a bridge seems like a better option than seeking help, you could say that we as a society have failed.

Be kind to others.
Chances are, that person you’re talking to about mental health, may be someone diagnosed.
Or, they might know someone very close to them who is.

There are SO many people who struggle with a mental health illness.

Until we start talking about it and normalizing it, we will continue losing lives to it.

#depression #mentalhealth #stopthestigma

You are the God of miracles.

I have witnessed miracle after miracle.  Yet, when I am faced with a mountain, instead of telling that mountain to move, instead of telling that mountain how big my God is, I doubt.

I worry.

I fret.

One week ago from yesterday, my world was flipped upside down and turned inside out.

I called my dad with the intention of telling him about my run and instead I was told he had been sick for three days.

He went to the hospital to have a scan done and they found a mass in his colon.

I tried to not worry. I knew God could take care of him. I knew this, but I still worried.

Thursday, we found out the mass would have to be removed regardless of whether or not it was malignant. He would have to have surgery to have it cut out because of where it was located.

Instead of doing the things I know to do. Instead of falling to my knees in prayer, I ate my feelings in the form of Buffalo Wild Wings and a bag of Twix and I worried.

I called my best friend, I texted my life group, and I talked my husband’s ear off. I looked anywhere and everywhere I could look for peace instead of calling on the only one who could change the situation.

It’s the things nightmares are made of.

Honestly, it was one of my worst fears and it was happening.

We went home for Easter. I knew how important it was to remain positive and happy.  I could have won an Academy Award for my acting skills. Deep down I was terrified.  How could this be happening? HOW? My dad. The one who takes such good care of himself. The one who runs or bikes every day. Rain or shine.

He is my superman. He is my rock. This can’t happen to him.  In the past year I have lost two people I love to cancer. I couldn’t bare to even think about the possibilities or the future. He had a colonoscopy scheduled for Monday.

My family, being the circus of a family we are, all decided to accompany him to that procedure so that we could be there to hear any results he may be given. As the day got closer, my stomach was in knots.

Sunday night, Trey ran into the gas station to get me a Dr. Pepper.

I sat in that car and I cried out to Jesus. It was the most honest, real, and raw prayer I have ever prayed. I told him I was unworthy of his love. I told him I did not deserve for him to answer any of my prayers. I told him how great of a God he was and how I knew he could do miracles. I told him how much I love my dad. I told him how much my family needs my father. I told him how good of a man my dad is. I begged and I begged and I begged.

Then I left it.  I felt a sense of peace wash over me.

I knew, and I know, God can answer prayers. God can heal.

I also knew sometimes, God doesn’t heal. Sometimes,  good good people suffer. Sometimes, good people die.

Children get cancer.

Babies die. People who desperately want children, are unable to have children. Children are abused. Christians are being murdered. I could go on for days about the things that break my heart, and about prayers that aren’t answered the way we want them to be.

Bad things happen to good people every day.

And God is STILL GOOD. Even when he doesn’t answer our prayers.

In the end, I knew God would still be good. I knew I would still serve him. I knew he would still be my Savior, but I hoped and prayed for a miracle.

Sunday night, in our living room, I held the hands of my sister, mom, dad, and husband, and we prayed. I prayed in a very shaky and unsure voice. I prayed with my voice cracking. I quoted scripture and I claimed the victory and the healing I knew God could give us the following day.

Monday morning we arrived at the hospital, gave my dad a hug, and sat in the waiting room. We got a few looks. Because, who has six people waiting on a colonoscopy procedure? Our family. That’s how we roll.

The nurse came out after 40 minutes and said we could go back and see my dad. My mom and sister went first. Because well, the entire circus couldn’t go back at once.

We heard laughing. Then the doctor came out to the waiting room. He was smiling. He said, “Guys, I just had to come out and tell you, there’s no mass. There was absolutely nothing there.” He then showed us the pictures and explained what we were looking at.

Then and there.

With tears welling up in my eyes. I heard in my spirit, “Why are you surprised?”

I don’t know.

It’s not that I didn’t think he could. I knew he could. I just didn’t know IF he would. Because, I am not deserving of his grace. I am not deserving of his love. I fail him daily.  This idea that I could ever do enough good to be worthy of his grace is obviously not true and yet, that is a lie Satan tells me on the regular.

OF COURSE I DON’T DESERVE HIS GRACE! NO ONE DOES!

But, he is a LOVING father. He freely gives that grace to all who call upon his name.

If you are facing a mountain, tell that mountain to move. Tell that problem how big your God is. Trust him. He is a good good father and He is the God of miracles.

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Run for Paisley

Four. F O U R. 1234 

Only four percent of federal funds are used for childhood cancer research. That is insane.

Out of every disease being researched, wouldn’t you think childhood cancer would be at the forefront? I would. I did. Until I researched.

Babies, toddlers, and children are experiencing some rough days HELL. It is a hell most of us turn a blind eye to. Unless we have experienced that hell, or we have watched someone go through it,  we close our eyes and hope it goes away.

It’s true. You know it is. We scroll quickly through the story on Facebook someone has shared. We turn the channel when it comes on TV. We simply cannot bear to see or hear about that hell. We know it exists but it’s too much to dwell on. Sometimes we comment on a page that we are praying, then we do everything we can to get it out of our mind.

The problem? Just because we choose to not notice does not mean it is not there. It is.  According to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital (2017), 175,000 children worldwide are diagnosed with cancer each year. It is the leading cause of death by disease past infancy for U.S. children. Cancer does not discriminate. It knows no age, gender, race, socioeconomic class, religion, or geographic location.

Cancer does not care about first days of school, birthday parties, dances, graduations, or wedding days. It has no regard for mothers and fathers who have been hurt gutted and torn absolutely and completely apart from watching their precious baby suffer. It spares no sympathy for the sister or brother that is left without their best friend. It leaves an irreplaceable hole in a family, and in the world, forever.

This past year, cancer took two very important people from my life. It was unexpected in both cases and stole them from me within months of each other. It was so hard. I hate cancer.

This past year, I also watched the most beautiful  (when I say beautiful, I really mean gorgeous) family  experience a devastating loss of their beautiful Paisley to cancer. Their baby girl was taken far too soon. I cannot fathom the pain and misery they experienced, and still experience, daily. My heart broke when I read the beyond devastating news of her diagnosis on Facebook. I always kept up with them on social media, mainly to see their girls’ pictures. Because….OHMYGOSH, those girls. They make the most beautiful babies. See picture below for proof of the gorgeousness.

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My heart ached every day for them. Yet, I know the ache I felt didn’t even touch the misery they experienced. They were at the top of my every prayer list and I clung to every post they shared on Facebook.

Their beautiful girl, Paisley Joyce Collins, was diagnosed on November 30, 2015 with MLL (Mixed Lineage Leukemia).  That brave and gorgeous little girl fought so hard and eventually won the battle against such an awful and aggressive cancer. Devastatingly, in May 2016, an infection developed in Paisley’s lungs. The decision was made to put her on an ECMO machine to help her little body rest and repair from the damage of the infection. Paisley’s parents learned on July 29, 2016, her little lungs could not be repaired. On August 1, 2016, just weeks after her sweet baby brother was born, Paisley gained her hard fought wings and went to be with Jesus.

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Paisley’s family is one of the strongest families I know. They relied on their faith in God to carry them through. They went through something no family should have to experience. More than that though, a child should never have to go through what sweet little Paisley did.

I shared their story (with permission) to beg you. Yes, BEG you to go to click below.

Run For Paisley

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You can do it! Just scroll back up, click, and donate. It is that easy. Donate $1, $5, $10, $100. Whatever you can do, do it. You can spare $1. You can give up a latte this week to make contribution to a hospital,  that does so much for the most precious among us.

Tyson and Sarah praised St. Jude endlessly for what they did to help Paisley fight and for the hope they gave. Families that receive treatment at St. Jude pay nothing. They don’t pay for meals, or lodging, or gas, or treatment. They pay NOTHING. St. Jude relies on donations to fund their amazing organization.
I am running the St. Jude Half-Marathon in Nashville, Tennessee on April 29, 2017. I have pledge to raise $500 for St. Jude. Please help me give to such a deserving cause.
The only way we can help, is to give money for research and to help the families dealing with this awful disease. Research is embarrassingly underfunded. The only way we can eradicate such an awful disease is to G I V E. Please give.
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Dear daughter, please don’t be like me.

Dear daughter,

Please don’t be like me.

I look at you, with your beautiful brown eyes and pretty long eyelashes, your chubby little thighs, and the prettiest smile I have EVER seen and I am just absolutely smitten. You are the baby girl I have always dreamt of. I feel so very in love with you. I want to protect you from everything and everyone. I never want you to feel not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, nice enough, funny enough, or thin enough. I never want you to feel rejected. I never want you to feel that you need to lose ten or fifteen pounds to be accepted. And yet, I know some of those things will happen. It’s really inevitable. What I hope, is that you can learn confidence comes from within and that truly, your worth has nothing to do with the way you look. I hope that you aren’t constantly needing someone to validate you feelings or tell you that you’re beautiful. I hope you just know. So, while I can’t protect you from everything, I can share my story with you and hope that you learn from my mistakes. I hope I will be a role model for you.

I don’t think there is a girl alive that hasn’t dealt with feelings of not being good enough? If there is, I have yet to meet her.

I have found over the years, some of the prettiest girls, with all of the friends and all of the attention, are the ones who have the lowest self-esteem. Why is that? I asked my bestie one day and her response kind of surprised me. She said, I think it’s because they are so used to people telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are. When they aren’t being told that, they wonder why. Then they start trying to seek that approval once more. Makes sense. I can buy into that.

I was raised in a Christian home by great parents. I had friends and participated in extracurricular activities. I had boyfriends. I was invited to things. But, I have spent a majority of my 29 years feeling inadequate.

I truly believe, my feelings of inadequacy at times have taken me away from things that I should have been and was meant to have been a part of. I have gifts and talents I have refused to share because of the fear of rejection. What happened? A mixture of my personality, the personalities of those closest to me, and a few instances of being bullied. All of those, added up the the false narrative that I was not good enough. Not really just not good enough though, not pretty enough. Not thin enough. T H I N enough.

Body Image.

Never underestimate your ability to make someone feel on top of the world or underneath it. Sweet girl, your words are so very important. Never use them to break someone else.

6th grade. I was chubby. Not extremely overweight but not thin like all of my friends. I had a boyfriend from another town. He was cute, popular, and athletic. I had talked to him on the phone a few times and I really had a crush on him. I could not believe that he had chosen me to be his girlfriend. We had a track meet that day and it would be the first time I would see him as his girlfriend. He was from another town (BIG time stuff right there haha!).

I still remember how absolutely nervous I was to see him. Butterflies and everything. I don’t know if he had just seen me from far away or what? But when he saw me, I was apparently not who he had in mind. He said hi and then avoided me like. the. plague. the entire track meet. I was, of course, heartbroken. I needed to know why. Why was he avoiding me? What did I do? (Because obviously, I had done something wrong. Duh.) A friend of mine found me and told me he didn’t want to be my boyfriend and we were breaking up. Obviously, this was the end of my little 6th grade world. I had to know why. I had to find him.

When I finally caught up to him, he was with one of his friends. I asked him what was wrong and why we were breaking up. He told me it was because I was SO FAT. FAT. Ugh I hate that word. Then he and his friend proceeded to make fun of me. It was incessant. They told me I needed to buy a nordictrack treadmill. They told me to call Jenny Craig. They called me every single variation of the word FAT in the English dictionary. I ran away with tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t get away fast enough. It was humiliating. Luckily, the track meet was over and I ran to the bus, buried my face, and cried. Then, I hear them. They followed me to the bus and continued to taunt me. Throwing around that word. FAT. It was so embarrassing. Not only to be called that, but for everyone to hear it that walked by.

I know, I know… one time? One thing. One instance of being bullied was that big of a deal? I don’t think it was that one time that did it for me. But that day was the day I started absolutely obsessing about my weight. I never wanted to feel that way again. I never wanted to give someone the chance to make me feel that small again. I think because of those feelings, I learned to kind of protect myself. I wouldn’t put myself out there for someone to hurt me like that…not again.

Satan has used that story and many more stories in my life to block me from things God had in store for me. He has stolen moments and opportunities from me because I believed the lies he told me, instead of believing what God says about me.

We all have stories. We have all been bullied about something. We have all probably said some things that we are not proud of about someone else. I’m sure those boys would not be proud of themselves today. They were kids. Kids are mean. What’s interesting, is that I have probably been told I am beautiful a million times over (mostly by your dad and brother haha) and yet when I think of that story, those feelings of shame and inadequacy creep in. Dr. Phil says, “It takes 1000 ‘atta boys’ to erase one ‘you’re an idiot’. I would agree.

Thankfully, my self-confidence and body image have evolved from that sixth grade girl. I would love to say I no longer have body image issues but that would be a lie. What I can say, is that I don’t define my worth any longer by the number on the scale or by what someone else thinks of me. My worth is defined by what God says about me. It is defined by the type of mother I am. It is defined by my accomplishments, my resilience, my faith and tenacity in the middle of some very dark times in my life. It is defined by the type of wife, friend, sister, daughter, and granddaughter that I am. By the way that I treat others and by the heart and love I have for those that are hurting. It is defined by my purpose in life, my calling, and by the gifts God has given me. It is defined by my work ethic and by my undeniable crazy amount of determination.

Don’t spend the first 20 some years of your life looking for validation. Don’t equate your worth to the number on the scale or by what some boy thinks about your body. Learn from your momma’s mistakes. What matters is what you think of yourself. If you love yourself, the opinion of others really won’t matter to you. Build your confidence on what your Heavenly Father says about you. Understand, your worth is based on who you are on the inside and how you make others feel about themselves. It is based on the impact you are leaving on this world. Are you leading others to Christ? Do others see His light in you? Are you thinking about others before yourself? Are you kind? Those are the things you should use to build your confidence.

My beautiful daughter, you are so worthy. You are so loved. You are enough. You are our dream come true and I hope you always know how breathtakingly beautiful you really are.

but please…don’t be like me.

All my love,

Mom

We meet again…

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Photo Cred. Janean Gray Photography.

 

That baby. That boy. That husband. This life.

I have dreamed of it. All of it. Since I was little. A boy and a girl. A great neighborhood. A job I am passionate about. A husband that I adore and who adores me.

I have it all. I’ve had it all. And yet, I can’t seem to capture the happiness I should be blissfully entangled in. I know why. I’ve met her before. Our last encounter was horrible, unwelcome, and completely by surprise. Her name, Postpartum Depression.

She’s the worst. She used to tell me ugly lies. She used to make me cry for no reason. She used to make me feel worthless. That was the first time we met.

Now, I don’t cry. Ever. She makes me numb. She puts a filter on my sunshine. She used to make me feel less than, not good enough, anxious, like everything was wrong. I’ve become wise to her tricks. I have outsmarted her. I no longer think those things or feel those feelings. This time, her approach is different.

Now, she makes me tired. The kind of tired that is never relieved. The kind that is exhausted just thinking about the next day. She makes me feel nothing. Empty.

I feel happiness, most days even, but not to the extend that I should.
I feel sadness, sometimes, but not to the extent that I should.
I mostly feel nothing.
My babies, they bring me happiness. The kind that makes me laugh until I cry and the kind that makes me thank God endlessly for the sweetness he has placed in my life. Other than them, I feel nothing.

The first time we met, I was utterly and completely sad. I cried ALL. THE. TIME. I wanted so desperately to be pregnant again. The anticipation and excitement of a baby coming was over and I was distraught. I loved my boy. Blissfully so. He made me so very happy. But, I still cried. Every day. I was still sad. Every Day. Blissfully in love and yet so sad. Can those two things coexist? Yes. they can.

Those first few days after birth, you are asked to fill out the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale. It asks you a variety of questions. The fist few days after birth, I felt happy. Exhausted. But HAPPY! So…I passed that test. Each time I took it. I passed. For each child, each time I took that test, I passed. Postpartum depression? NOPE! Not this girl. Not the first month…or the second…or even the third…and then month four came and HELLO SADNESS!

I didn’t know what it was. Because, the media, and even the doctors make you think postpartum depression is being huddled in a corner, rocking back- and- forth, crying. You have thoughts of suicide, self-harm, and no attachment to your baby. Maybe even thoughts of harming your baby.

By that account, I absolutely did NOT have postpartum depression. Not. Even. Close. I cried, albeit, a lot. But not a scary crazy amount. I felt sad. But I also felt happy.
I never, not one time, thought about harming myself. I never contemplated suicide. And my baby, I was smitten. I was attached. I adored him. I never thought about harming him. Ever.

Which is why it took me until month six or seven to reach out for help. To understand that I did, in fact, have postpartum depression. That I did, in fact, need help. And… help I got. Within a few weeks of reaching out, I was SO normal again. No more crying. No more sadness. Praise GOD!

I have fought back, I have. I have worked out, ran, prayed, got out of the house, talked for hours to my husband, and here I am, still feeling nothing. I will continue to do all of those things, until my hormones even out and I am back to the girl I used to be. But it is exhausting. I know, by doing those things, it will eventually bring me back to where I need to be. I know, from experience, that this has an end. It has an expiration date. It happens. It isn’t embarrassing. In fact, it is quite common.

This time, I know how to handle her. I know her angle. I know what she plans to do. I know how to combat her. I am fighting. Every day. If she becomes too combative, I will seek help. Right now, I think I have a good handle on her.

This post is for the girl who is experiencing this and doesn’t know what to do. SEEK HELP. Talk to your doctor. You don’t have to be suicidal or even unable to get out of bed to have PPD. You don’t have to spend the first year of your sweet baby’s life with a filter over your eyes. You CAN be happy. Reach out to someone. Let them know how you feel. Let them know what is going on in your mind and your heart. Talk to your doctor if it is seriously affecting your life.

And…most of all, know that you are not alone. You are not crazy. You are not a bad mother. You did not cause this, your crazy baby making hormones did. This is not something to be embarrassed about. A lot of women suffer from this. A LOT. Society makes us think we have control over this, we don’t. Society tells you that you are a crazy lunatic. You aren’t.

Postpartum depression, She is a crazy hag. Get rid of her.

You will be happy again. You can be happy NOW.

“Change your thoughts and you will change your world”

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In the past month I have changed. I started BeachBody because I needed something new. I needed something to call “my own”. Being a stay-at-home mom was awesome but I needed something to call mine besides my child. I know that a lot of you mommas can relate. I can tell you that I haven’t made millions yet…or even thousands…but what I have taken away from this business is PRICELESS.

“Change your thoughts and you will change your world” I don’t know who said that but it is GENIUS. I have always called myself a “realist” which is really just a fancy word for negative. I have gone through life thinking that I would be “lucky” to  get this job or get that job. I would be “lucky” if this happened for me or if that happened for me. I was SO concerned with everyone else. FACEBOOK was my downfall. I was so concerned with why this person had that…why did that person have that. “Trey did you see this?” “Why don’t we have that” “We deserve that” “We work hard” YUCK! I was concerned with what everyone thought of us…of me. Why don’t they respect me? Why don’t they follow our rules when it comes to our child? Why do they dislike me? What did I do? Why can’t we have this amazing relationship? I mean it was ugly and a ridiculous way to live. When I started with this company on June 26, 2014 my life CHANGED.

I began to understand that it does not matter what others think of me. It matters what God thinks of me. He has given me SO much and what have I done with it? A whole bunch of NOTHING! At the end of my life, what will he say? Probably something like: “you missed it! I gave you this opportunity, I gave you this talent, you had everything you needed, but you were too concerned with everyone else” Ouch!

What do I KNOW about myself? I know that I am a good person. I am a great friend. I am compassionate. I am the most loyal person you will EVER meet. I am driven. I am passionate.I genuinely want to please God. That is my goal above all goals. I want to end my life and have used every talent and ability I have been given. I want to say to God…”I have NOTHING left”. What is great about you? What do you have to offer the world. God put something in you that is unique. He has a plan for YOU.  What is it? What is God going to say to you at the end of your life?

My dad. You know him. And…I hope to have a legacy like he does. But guess what…God isn’t going to say “well done” to me because I have a great father.  An example of one of my favorite things about my dad is he sends cards to people like crazy. Seriously! He remembers dates and events. He sends birthday cards, sympathy cards, he remembers dates when people have lost loved ones. People are BLESSED by that. He gives like it’s going out of style. He DOES for people. I told my husband one day, that I want to be like my dad but I can’t be like him until I start DOING and operating with what God has given me. I want to leave a legacy….what is it? I am 26 years old it’s time to start making one.

How do you begin to discover your talents and abilities? How do you tap into your calling? You have to stop thinking the way you are thinking! Stop with the negative thoughts. Those are from Satan and they will get you NOWHERE. Stop concerning yourself with everyone else. They don’t affect your life. Worry about YOURSELF! What are you good at? How can you bless others? What has God given YOU? What are you THINKING? What are you telling yourself?

The Bible teaches us that our words are POWERFUL. They will RETURN to you. Isaiah 55:11 says: “so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.” Proverbs 18:21 says: “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.” Speak positive things to yourself daily. Stop complaining. If there is a negative thought creeping in your head…dismiss it. Don’t dwell on it. The Bible tells us that we should only think about good things. Philippians 4:8 says:” And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

Why is that important? Because our thoughts become our words and our words become our actions or our inaction. You might say: “I can’t help what I think” You can’t help what pops into your head..but you CAN DECIDE whether you entertain the thought. If something negative or hateful comes into your mind, instead of thinking about it, CHANGE your thinking. Think about something positive instead. Try it! It will change your world. It changed mine. Do I wake up sometimes with negative thoughts? Yes. Do I have bad days? Yes. Do I have to change my thinking daily? Yes. What puts you in a good mood? Do THAT thing when you are having an off day. Go for a run, do a craft, get on pinterest, dream, play with you kid…do whatever it is that makes you happy. If you need motivation, read a motivating book, listen to a podcast, read your BIble. Surround yourself with positive people and positive things. When you do that…everything changes. I promise! 

I’ll leave you with a quote by the amazing Zig Ziglar “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing that’s why we recommend in daily”

BE POSITIVE. BE A BLESSING. USE WHAT GOD GAVE YOU! And…worry about YOURSELF!


{26} Life Lessons from Year {26}

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This past year, or, half of a year has been such a year of learning. I have learned so much about myself, and what I want out of life. These are my favorite lessons from half of my 26th year.

1. Confidence has nothing to do with your body or your love of it. Confidence is knowing who you are, where you came from, where you are going, and what you have to offer the world…and then LOVING that.

2. You really can’t make everyone happy, all the time. In fact, the only person’s happiness you are responsible for is yours.

3. Be very careful how you are speaking to yourself. Those thoughts become your identity.

4. The less you expect of people, and of life, the happier you are.

5. Confident and happy people don’t tear other people down. They don’t need to.

6. Your thoughts are a very powerful thing. They determine your path in life. You have to make sure they are aligned with were you want to go in life.

7. Never…never never ever let a toddler run around without a diaper on…ever.

8. Prayer, coffee, exercise, and sleep are the best cures for anything.

9. It’s better to pound your feelings into the pavement, during a run, than it is to eat your feelings. You future self will thank you…so will your hips.

10.”You should never miss a good opportunity to shut up” I’m still working on that one! ha!

11. The arms of a child, wrapped around your neck, will make everything right in the world.

12. If you have children, your house will never really be clean.

13. Marriage after a baby is hard. Marriage after a baby is very important. The baby will grow up and have their own life. Your life is WITH your SPOUSE. Make sure you are contributing to it daily

14. “If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative. Know when to close the account” Ah so true!

15. “Comparison is the thief of joy”…it really is.

16. “Think about your blessings more than you think about your burdens” your outlook on life will be so much brighter!

17. If your life doesn’t end up the way you want it to, the only person to blame is yourself.

18. Bad things happen in life because Satan exists. Bad things don’t come from God. We need to stop blaming God when bad things happen.

19. Surround yourself with people who make you happy. Surround yourself with people who genuinely love you. They will only lift you higher.

20. Days that begin with runs are the BEST days!

21. You can’t control what people say about you, you CAN control how you react.

22. Being “right” is not all that it’s cracked up to be.

23. Slow and steady is the best way to begin a race. For reals.

24. You are so much stronger than you think.

25. Being a mom is the hardest and most rewarding job in the world. Hats off to all the single mommas out there…you rock! …and single dad’s too!

26. Be HAPPY. Be POSITIVE. GO for your dreams! Invest in yourself. Invest in others. LOVE LIFE!

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– Court

Quest for my best

I recently decided to become a BeachBody coach. Mostly, to keep me accountable, and partly because I want to help other people who have struggled with food like me. I have had quite a few struggles with food, my weight, and confidence…even recently. Here’s my story.

 

 

 

Eating organic part 2

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We are slowly switching everything to organic. EVERYTHING! I have become obsessive about it now. It is super addicting. I am finding myself reading EVERY SINGLE LABEL. Which turns a quick grocery trip to a 2 hour grocery trip. Who am I kidding? Grocery trips are never short but now, they are super long. I switched from Trader Joe’s to Sprout’s. It seems to have a bigger selection. Although, I do still LOVE Trader Joe’s! Sprout’s has organic and non-organic. Even their non-organic is less processed. I am in love with that store. Hubs and I must have spent a majority of our grocery trip browsing through their bulk bins of nuts and dried fruits. I wanted EVERYTHING. Sprout’s is a bit more expensive. We figured it’s about $30 more than our groceries would have been at Wal-Mart. We still had to stop at Wal-Mart for diapers, toothpaste, and drugs. I haven’t switched our toiletries or diapers to organic. I tried the organic diapers and they sucked and were WAY more expensive. He will survive with Pampers. I know what you organic freaks are thinking…I can make my toothpaste, deodorant…etc. I don’t have enough time in the day to do that. Even if I did,…eh, my time is worth more than that. That,…or I’m too lazy.  But GO YOU! Way to make your own stuff 🙂 Seriously, that’s really cool.

I am switching things slowly. I am finishing everything that we have that is processed, and then when we need more, I am buying the new stuff organic. For instance, we were out of butter and olive oil yesterday so I bought new. We are still using processed flour, condiments, and a lot of other things. I am too cheap to throw everything out and buy everything organic. So,  we are finishing everything we have and then buying organic when we need it. That keeps hubs from having a heart attack at the store :).

My parents came up last weekend and we introduced them to our new way of life. I also made them watch Food Inc (on Netflix! it is an eye-opening documentary on the food industry)  I’m sure they had a blast. They did love our new grocery store! And…they were in LOVE with our organic tacos. OHMYGOSH! Did I mention how unbelievably amazing those tacos were?! AMAZING! Organic vs. Non-organic is like eating something when you have a cold versus eating that same food without a cold. The flavors are just so much more pronounced and alive!

Along with eating organic, I am having smoothies for breakfast and lunch. They have made such an improvement in the way I feel and my mood. I saw the idea of freezing fruit ahead of time for smoothies on Pinterest. This is an amazing idea! It saves time in the mornings (which is great with an impatient baby!) and it keeps your fruit from going bad. Last week, we bought five boxes of strawberries for $5.00. They were going bad in the refrigerator so I made little zip lock baggies of fruit/veggies for my smoothies and threw them in the freezer!

A few have asked about my smoothie recipe. I don’t really have an exact recipe. I found a basic guide of making smoothies on…yep! you guessed it! Pinterest. I use coconut water, sometimes I add Greek yogurt, flax-seed (I’m going to try chia seeds next week), 1 banana (it masks the veggies), two different fruits (whatever I am feeling that day), kale, spinach, broccoli, and sometimes cauliflower. I usually use our bullet but sometimes I mix a big one up in our blender and save half for lunch.

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On top of the clean eating I have started Insanity…again. Hopefully, this time I will stick to it. Insanity + Running + Eating clean will surely = BEACH BODY!! The problem with our grocery store is that it has some amazing “healthy” junk  we can’t say no to. I shared a blueberry muffin with my little man this morning..meaning I ate most of it. So, I’m going to need to go work those 300 calories off!

– Court

 

My journey to eating organic

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You would think that I am a healthy eater. You would think that because I’m a runner. But the truth is I am not a healthy eater. I love all junk food. I started running because my metabolism has slowed down. I soon realized that if I wanted to continue to eat the same way I would have to exercise…a lot. So you could say that I ran so that I could eat. When really, you should eat so you can run (pun intended).

Since I started running I would count calories almost religiously. I would know exactly how much I had eaten and how much I would have to run to compensate. It worked. I could continue to eat crap and run without gaining any weight. But I constantly felt fatigued and just heavy. Then I had my baby boy. My whole world was turned upside down. I had to eat enough so that he would be getting what he needed. I had also taken a hiatus from running while I was pregnant because I had pregnancy induced hypertension. I have no idea if it was related to the crap I was eating but I am going to go ahead and assume so. After my little man was born, I tried returning to running but it wasn’t the same. I felt exhausted and I could barely get out a couple of miles. I know that lack of sleep, poor nutrition, and not taking care of myself led me to feeling that way. I had been looking at losing weight and food the wrong way. Calories…forget them. It’s not calories that are so important. What’s important is the food you are eating. The more nutrients you give your body…the better it runs, the less you get sick, the better you feel.

On top of that I am a super helicopter momma. I am a total freak about what my little man eats. So, he’s only getting organic /non-processed food. I started wondering one day why I fed him organic and I continued to eat crap. Then it dawned on me…he will learn to eat what his parents eat. We will teach him to eat junk. I knew then that I had to change. I have also wondered if there might be some correlation between the influx of cancer and processed food? I would LOVE to do that study. So…I had it in my mind that I needed to change the only problem would be….THE HUSBAND.

He and I are two peas in a pod. We love the same things. Wings, burgers, fries, pizza, Chinese, cookies, cake, ice-cream…and SODA ahh, how I LOVE soda. He was not going to be easy to get on board. I started by changing small things without telling him. I started, by just trying to make simple meals with simple ingredients. I read every label on every product I bought. If I couldn’t pronounce it…or better yet, if I didn’t know what it was, I didn’t buy it. I started avoiding anything that comes in a box, can, or is frozen. I stuck to veggies, fruit, meat, bread…the basic food groups….except Pepsi. I am still working on breaking my addiction to Pepsi.

That worked for awhile until I started finding that even “good food” is covered in pesticides and injected with hormones and antibiotics YUCK. Food is not created equal.  There is a difference between organic and non-organic. It’s a huge difference. It means the difference between eating foods laden with chemicals vs. food free and clear of chemicals. There is also another difference…THE PRICE TAG!! Holy smokes batman! And…everything is processed. I didn’t know that “organic sugar” even existed! Oh but it does. It exists with a price tag of $4.99 vs. $2.00 processed sugar. There’s a difference in taste too. Organic sugar is SO MUCH BETTER!

I quickly learned that you don’t have to buy organic everything. There is something called “the dirty dozen” which are the fruits/veggies that contain the highest amount of pesticides. They are fruits like strawberries and grapes. Those are things that you need to buy organic. All the other fruits and veggies you can save money by not buying organic.

Since starting on this journey I can tell a HUGE difference in the way I feel. Try going organic…you won’t go back.

– Court